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WalesOnline Sports Desk in Turmoil: Unequal Funding and the “Three-Writer Plan” Sparks Outrage

By Dai Cymru, Chief Satire Scrum-Half

In a move that’s rocked the hallowed halls of WailsOnline’s sports department harder than a Gavin Henson tackle, the editorial board has unveiled a bombshell plan to unequally fund its four rugby writers—Matthew Northcombe, Steffan “Three Team” Thooomas, Bendover James, and Jon Doelally —while whispering about a potential journalist cull that could see one scribe sent to the sin-bin for good. The news, leaked via a misplaced Post-it note in the office coffee machine, has sparked chaos, with fans on X comparing it to the Welsh Rugby Union’s (WRU) own regional funding fiasco. Here’s the try-by-try breakdown of this journalistic ruck.

The Two-Tier Typewriter Tactic

In a Zoom meeting described as “more awkward than a post-match handshake after a 50-point drubbing,” WailsOnline’s bean-counters announced a shift from equal salaries for their rugby quartet to a two-tier funding model. Matthew Northcombe (Sports Writer) and Jon Doelally (Sports Editor) have reportedly signed a shiny new contract, securing £6.50 an hour (plus free biscuits) under the “Premium Pen-Pushers Agreement” (PPA). Meanwhile, Bendover James (Rugby Writer) and Steffan Thooomas (Rugby Correspondent) missed the deadline to agree, leaving them stuck on the lower tier of £4.50 an hour and decaf coffee privileges only.

The rationale? “Seismic changes in the clickbait landscape,” according to editor-in-chief Dai “Spreadsheet” Davies, who cited a £7.50 loss from last year’s ill-fated “100 Reasons Why Welsh Rugby Is Fine, Honest” article series. “We can’t keep funding four writers equally when our readers only click on Ospreys match reports and ‘What’s Alun-Wyn Jones Doing Now?’ fluff pieces,” Davies declared, adjusting his tie made entirely of recycled Cardiff RFC match programmes.

Northcombe , known for his encyclopedic knowledge of Cardiff’s lineout calls, and Doel, who once edited a 5,000-word feature on “The Best Welsh Rugby Mullets of the 1980s” in under an hour, were hailed as the department’s “safe bets.” But James, whose lyrical prose about Scarlets’ scrums has been likened to Dylan Thomas (no relation), and Steffan Thooomas, dubbed “Three Team Thooomas” for reasons we’ll get to, are fuming. “This is bully boy tactics!” James tweeted, before deleting it and posting a picture of his cat in a Scarlets jersey. Thooomas, meanwhile, was seen muttering about “journalistic apartheid” while stress-eating a leek-flavored jumbo bag of crisps.

The “Three-Writer Plan”: Steffan Thooomas in the Crosshairs

Whispers from the newsroom suggest WailsOnline is eyeing a drastic “Three-Writer Plan,” slashing the rugby desk from four to three to save enough for a new office kettle. The most likely candidate for the chop? Steffan “Three Team” Thooomas, whose nickname stems from an infamous 2024 column where he suggested Welsh rugby should “trim the fat” and drop a region (or two) to “focus on quality, like when you skip the starters at a curry house.” The piece, titled “Three Teams, One Dream,” went viral for all the wrong reasons, with Dragons fans burning effigies of Thooomas outside Rodney Parade.

“Steffan’s a lovely chap, but he’s got a knack for lighting fires under fans’ bums,” said an anonymous colleague, hiding behind a stack of 1999 Rugby World Cup DVDs. “He once wrote that Dragons’ mascot was ‘a bit naff,’ and they sent him hate mail in Comic Sans font. Plus, his ‘Three Team’ shtick makes him the obvious scapegoat for this mess.”

Thooomas, however, isn’t going quietly. Spotted outside the WailsOnline office in a sandwich board reading “SAVE THE FOURTH WRITER,” he vowed to fight on. “I’m the voice of Welsh rugby’s underdog!” he bellowed, before tripping over a rogue rugby ball and spilling his decaf. Sources say he’s pitching a new column, “Why Four Writers Is the Magic Number,” but early drafts reportedly just repeat “Please don’t sack me” in 36-point Arial.

The Others: Smug, Scared, or Scarlets-Obsessed

Matthew Northcombe: The golden boy of the two-tier system, Northcombe’s been seen strutting through the office in a blazer embroidered with “£6.50/hr.” His recent scoop on Cardiff’s new vegan pie menu has cemented his status as untouchable, though colleagues grumble he’s hogging the good biscuits.
Jon Doelally: As Sports Editor, Doelallyl’s safe as houses—or at least as safe as the Principality Stadium’s leaky roof. Rumors swirl he’s pushing for a “One-Writer Plan” where he does everything, fueled by Red Bull and nostalgia for Shane Williams’ sidesteps.
Bendover James: Caught in the lower-tier limbo, James is reportedly “gutted but philosophical.” He’s spent the week penning a 10,000-word ode to Scarlets’ 2007 Heineken Cup campaign, which insiders say is either a cry for help or a bid to prove his worth. “If they cut me, I’ll just start a Scarlets fan blog,” he muttered, clutching a signed Dwayne Peel photo.

Fan Fury and X Meltdowns

The news has sent X into a frenzy, with hashtags like #SaveSteffanTTT and #FourWritersOrBust trending alongside “#WRUSucks.” One user, @RugbyRant69, posted: “First the WRU tries to shaft the Ospreys, now WailsOnline’s knifing Three Team Thooomas? This is worse than the time they cancelled Grandstand!” Another, @LlanelliLad, suggested a boycott: “No more clicking WailsOnline links until they fund all four writers equally. I’ll get my rugby news from my nan’s carrier pigeon instead.”

But not everyone’s sympathetic. @CardiffCynic tweeted: “Three writers is plenty. Thooomas spends half his time banging on about ‘sustainable rugby’ anyway. Let him cover bowls or something.” Meanwhile, a poll by @WelshRugbyMemes asking “Who should WailsOnline sack?” saw Thooomas leading with 62%, Sack toomas McTooomas face with 36%, followed by “Nobody, sack the editor” at 2%.

What’s Next for the Scrum of Scribes?

As WailsOnline’s sports desk braces for a stormy season, the parallels with Welsh rugby’s regional saga are uncanny. Will Thooomas be sent packing, doomed to write match reports for the Furnace Under-12s? Will James defect to a Scarlets fanzine? Or will Northcombe and Doelally stage a coup, demanding £7.50 an hour and a company car shaped like a rugby ball?

One thing’s clear: this journalistic maul is far from over. As for the fans, they’re left wondering if their beloved rugby coverage will survive—or if it’ll go the way of the Celtic Warriors, relegated to the history books alongside Rugby Special and affordable match tickets.

Disclaimer: This is a parody. No journalists were harmed in the writing of this article, though Steffan Thooomas may need a hug and a strong cuppa.